INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

(2008)

We open with the old Paramount Pictures logo. And I mean the OLD Paramount Pictures logo, as in the 2d painted one from the 1960s. Wow, three seconds in, and Spielberg is already desperately straining to provoke audience nostalgia! Huzzah! As is tradition in these movies, the logo dissolves into the film’s opening shot, this time a small prairie dog mound complete with cartoonish CGI prairie dog. A 1950’s dune buggy packed with rowdy youngsters speeds across the arid landscape, blasting Elvis music and swerving near a desert road, on which a convoy of military vehicles is travelling. The buggy drag-races with one of the military cars as the opening credits roll, and I note that the teenagers of yester-year are every bit as irritating as the teenagers of today; I quietly begin praying for a grisly roadside accident to finish them off. But the credits end and the buggy speeds off into the sunset, taking any hope of a fiery collision with it; meanwhile, the convoy turns off the main road into what looks like a secret military base. A caption informs us this is “NEVADA, 1957.”

As the procession reaches the base’s outer gate, a plucky young soldier scurries up and informs them that the premises are “closed for weapons testing” and therefore off-limits to everyone, even other military personnel. A car door opens, and out steps a Colonel whom the young soldier seems to recognize. “Good afternoon, sir!” he says with a salute, but then reiterates that no one can enter, even the Colonel. The Colonel, instead of responding, simply bends over (get your mind out of the gutter, you) to tie his shoe, and the other convoy members behind him raise their weapons and gun down the guards. And that, soldier, is why you never talk back to superior officers who have anger issues. Or, more to the point, Communism issues. Or both. At any rate, the moment was actually vaguely surprising, and I felt bad for those nice guards, killed by someone they knew and trusted.

Their path cleared, the convoy continues into the restricted area and pulls up in front of an enormous warehouse; as the not-so-trustworthy soldiers scurry about yelling in Russian, two prisoners are pulled from the trunk of a car. The first is “Mac” McHale (AKA Ray Winstone), sporting a hairstyle and mustache which make him look like a morbidly obese Howard Hughes. The second prisoner is first revealed as a hand clasping a windswept fedora, then as a shadowy silhouette, and finally as the craggy man himself, Indiana Jones. As his face comes into view, John Williams’ score swoops upward triumphantly, practically begging the audience to burst into applause (an invitation my audience politely declined). Indy listens to the foreign shouts around him, then knits his brow and declares: “Russians.” He does not, however, then say “I HATE these guys” like he ought to, perhaps in some misguided attempt to make the audience to yell it out themselves, Rocky-Horror-style. Instead, he and Mac exchange tense banter about how this won’t be “as easy as it used to be.” Because, you see, they’re obviously both REALLY OLD. GET IT?

At this point, the not-so-trustworthy Colonel marches up to Indy and says, “You recognize building, yes?” Well, actually, he says it with a huge Russian accent, so it’s more along the lines of “Yoo rrekognise beeldik, yyehs?” I mean, it’s like Boris and Natasha bad. And hold on a second. America’s in the middle of the Red Scare, and a colonel who talks like THAT didn’t raise ANY suspicions among any of the men who knew him? I take it back; those guys at the gate deserved to get offed, as per Darwinian logic. Anyway, Indy tells Colonel Boris to drop dead, which earns our beloved “archeologist” a solid punch to the face – the kind that sounds like a two-by-four was just kicked in half. However, because he’s fucking Indiana Jones, this doesn’t even cause a nosebleed, and Indy simply amends his response to “Drop dead, COMRADE.” Colonel Boris, not be deterred by Indy’s superhuman indestructibility, raises his fist yet again – only to halt when a female voice calls sharply from off-camera.

Enter Irina Spalko (the ever-awesome Cate Blanchett), a severe-looking lady with a rapier at her side, a black bob-cut and dark sunglasses to match. She weaves among the men, surveying the scene with a cool and sexy logic. It’s truly an awesome entrance, right up until the part where she OPENS HER MOUTH and unleashes a truly horrendous Russian accent; MY nose started bleeding just from hearing it. While most of it just sounds ridiculously overworked, her “oh” vowels still sound straight-up Australian. Now, maybe that last bit wouldn’t have been as big a problem if the script didn’t require her to say the words “Jones” and “know” approximately EVERY OTHER SENTENCE; as such, it’s pretty painful to witness. Indy says some bullshit about how her accent is “Eastern-Ukrainian,” but I’m convinced it’s just a cunning ruse to mask the fact that this is a shitty Russian accent.

Irina paces about, monologuing that she gained power over the years because she “knows things before anyone else.” She then points melodramatically to Indy’s forehead and explains that what she needs to know now “is in HERE.” Her fingers suddenly fan out and her eyes snap shut, the hand lingering in front of Indy’s face; apparently Irina is a mind-reader. Is she half-Vulcan? Ooo! That would explain her appearance AND her miserable accent. However, Indy apparently finds the idea of mind-reading Vulcan-Ukrainians as stupid as I do, and chuckles contemptuously. Irina’s eyes snap open and she glares at him. (And yes, I realize this is the third time I’ve used the word “snap” to describe Irina, but I just can’t help it; that bitch is snappy!) She decides that they’ll just have to do things the “old-fashioned way,” meaning sans the Miss-Cleo crap.

The giant warehouse doors creak open to reveal rows upon rows of stacked wooden crates – it’s the warehouse we glimpsed at the very end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” However, I’m quickly distracted from this nice bit of continuity by the huge honking “51” stenciled across the warehouse doors. That’s right, people: we’re in AREA 51. But hey, you know what, I won’t begrudge Spielberg a few little 1950’s sci-fi homages, as long as he keeps them quiet and unobtrusive. Irina tells Indy that the box they seek contains “mummified remains,” and that since Indy was part of the team which examined it ten years ago, he should be able to locate it. Indy ponders the situation for a moment, then asks his captors for a compass to help him find the object. Unfortunately, it appears that compass technology is one of those well-kept American secrets, because the Russians just stare blankly at each other like a bunch of concussed five-year-olds. Indy rolls his eyes and demands their gunpowder instead, stating that the box is “highly magnetized” and that’s the only way to find it. Because, you know, a gigantic warehouse filled with EVERY CONCEIVABLE MYSTICAL ARTIFACT clearly wouldn’t contain more than ONE highly magnetic object. Oh, whatever.

Given a handful of gunpowder, Indy climbs to the top of a crate pile (a feat which looks like it required a stunt-double) and sprinkles the powder into the air like the magical Fairy-Godmother of Bruised Forearms. And sure enough, the gunpowder/pixie dust goes soaring off down a row a crates, pulled along by the inexorably powerful plot-contrivance, er, I mean “electromagnetism.” A couple more fabulous flings of metal dust, and the Russians lay hands on their precious box. And what might that box be, you ask? Why, it looks like a big metal coffin labeled “Roswell, New Mexico,” and the mummified remains appear to have been embalmed in tin foil! Spielberg, please see the previous paragraph, RE: QUIET AND UNOBTRUSIVE. However, all the Russians seem to find this much more interesting than I do, and Indy uses the distraction to disarm his guard with a clever whip maneuver. He tosses his extra gun to Mac and demands they be released, or he’ll kill Irina. Unfortunately, it appears that Indy’s bet on the wrong horse: Mac’s a double-agent, and points his gun at Indy’s head. “Why, Mac?” asks Indy, mildly distressed at this tiny snag. “What can I say, I’m a capitalist,” quips Mac, “And they pay.” It turns out Mac’s been having a little trouble at the card tables lately, and so his only option was apparently to SELL OUT HIS PARTNER OF TEN YEARS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE CERTAIN TO KILL HIM. Ass.

Seeing that he’ll have to escape solo, Indy tosses his rifle to the ground in a way that inexplicably makes it go off, shooting Colonel Boris in the foot. And because these Russian soldiers are a bunch of incompetent ADD sufferers, they all stare at the Colonel’s now-donut-like foot for a good ten seconds, giving Indy ample time to make his getaway. A big chase sequence ensues, with Indy scrambling across the tops of crates, swinging around with his whip, hijacking one of the trucks, and then driving destructively around the warehouse like a sixteen-year-old on heroin. Somewhere along the way, we even catch a glimpse of the Ark of the Covenant among the destroyed crates. Soon Indy totals the truck and must resort to manly fisticuffs with Colonel Boris. However, because this is AREA 51, they somehow manage to end up struggling atop a rocket-powered go-cart prototype. A thirty-second countdown gets accidentally initiated (I hate it when that happens) and without warning Indy and Boris are shot out of the warehouse at supersonic speeds. Remember that scene in “Toy Story” with the rocket-powered RC car? Pretty much that, only less exciting. The two men squint and gargle as the wind and G-forces make them look like Joan Rivers, and that prairie dog from earlier stares gleefully at this display of human suffering as they pass. Eventually the go-cart of doom slides to a halt, and Indy discovers that Boris has passed out – either from the strain of traveling too fast, or the strain of trying to have a personality when the script has given him none whatsoever. Our hero escapes into the nighttime desert, dizzier than a schoolgirl the morning after senior prom.

Speaking of morning, we jarringly cut to the next day’s sunrise; apparently Indy’s been wandering in the desert all night long, kung-fu fighting coyotes and Gila monsters. Off in the distance he spots what appears to be an ordinary American suburb. Well, “ordinary” aside from the fact that it’s IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DESERT. But Indy’s brains are still souffléd from his joy-ride last night, so he fails to notice anything wrong with this picture. He climbs over a fence into someone’s backyard, then sneaks in the back door just as a Russian vehicle comes around the corner. Inside, the house is a prototypical 1950’s home, from the wallpaper to the kitchen sink; in fact, it seems a little TOO perfect, like a diorama in a museum or something. A television chatters happily in some other room, and everything is spotless. Oh, and that kitchen sink? Indy goes over to it to wash a cut on his hand, only to discover that the water doesn’t work. That’s probably not good. Confused, Indy moves into the living room, where a perfect little nuclear family appears to be gathered round the television. Oh, except for the small fact that the “family” is actually just a BUNCH OF MANNEQUINS. That is SO not good.

Indy runs out into the front yard, only to discover that the entire town is filled with creepy mannequin people (all of whom are more expressive than Colonel Boris). And that’s when the air-raid sirens start wailing. You see, Indy and his Russian buddies have wandered onto a nuclear test site, and it’s one minute away from “that’s all, folks!” The Russians, realizing their mistake, clamber back into their car and get the fuck outta dodge, ignoring Indy’s desperate shouts to wait up. Guess he decided death by firing squad was better than radiation poisoning. As the final ten seconds are counted down on a loudspeaker in the distance, Indy rushes back into the house, searching frantically for shelter. In the kitchen he sees that the refrigerator is “Lead Lined,” rips out the shelves, and shuts himself inside just as the countdown reaches zero. Um, it’s been a few years since science class, but I’m pretty sure that lead is only useful at withstanding radiation. It isn’t so great at withstanding, oh, say, A FULL-SCALE CLOSE-RANGE ATOMIC BLAST. And that’s what we’re dealing with: a blinding white light fills the sky, the mannequins and their perfect homes burst into flames, and then a nuclear shockwave turns them all into flaming confetti.

Meanwhile, the car full of Russians tries futilely to outrun that same shockwave. They catch a fleeting glimpse of a soot-covered refrigerator soaring majestically overhead, and then they get blasted apart by the advancing cloud of debris. The refrigerator falls to earth outside the blast radius and rolls end-over-end about twenty million times before stopping. The door falls open and reveals a charred, irradiated skeleton. THE END.

Oh fine, have it your way. It reveals Indy, who crawls out with no cuts, no bruises, no burns, no broken bones, not even a queasy stomach for fuck’s sake. He stands up and sees that he’s being watched by that same damn prairie dog as before, who I’m starting think is a main character based on how much screen time he’s been given.

Quick scene of Indy in some government facility, getting the decontamination scrub-down from a team of eager underlings. One of them scrubs Indy’s manly bits and receives an ice-cold glare for his trouble.

Next up, a round of irritating government interrogation! A pair of dim G-men sit Indy down and accuse him of being a Commie because he helped the Russians find the alien mummy thing. Um, wasn’t he at gunpoint during that incident? That’s what I thought. So shut up. The men then question Indy’s loyalty because he won’t tell them what was in the box; Indy explains that he was told nothing about the specimen when he examined it ten years ago. The G-men seem more interested in making baseless accusations than actually listening to Indy, though, so this could go on for a while. Luckily, some random military buddy of Indy’s turns up out of the blue and vouches for him; totally implausible, but I’m all for it if it gets Beevis and Butthead to shut up. Random-Military-Buddy informs Indy that Irina Spalko was Stalin’s favorite “psychic researcher,” and that she is currently scooping up artifacts that have “paranormal military applications” – whatever the hell that means. The scene ought to end right there, but G-man #2 apparently wants to take one more swing at our protagonist, so he arbitrarily accuses Indy of not deserving his war medals. Ok, for the last time. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

Back at Marshall College (alma mater: We’re Not a Real College), Indy teaches his archeology class like always, except that now he’s actually old enough to LOOK like a college professor; it’s downright depressing. As his lesson draws to a close, Dean Stanforth (Jim Broadbent) walks in looking very British and professorial, clearly with Something Of Import to tell Indy. Drawing his colleague out into the hallway, Stanforth worriedly exposits that federal agents have seized all of Indy’s files and opened an investigation. The result: Indiana Jones has been fired by the College Board – though to be honest I’m not entirely surprised. Stanforth mentions that Indy will at least continue to receive a salary, and that he had to go through a lot to even get that much. “What YOU went through?” Indy snarls bitterly, “What exactly did YOU have to go through, Charlie?” Stanforth calmly replies that he resigned. Oh. Well then. Indy, you’re a dick.

At Casa del Jones, Indy packs his things and tells Stanforth how he’s heading to London to look for work. Harrison Ford then proceeds to give the most awkward line reading in the history of non-pornographic cinema when he says, “I never should have doubted you, My Friend.” Seriously, it sounds like the man has never said the words “my friend” before. Stanforth bemoans the Red Scare and the paranoia it’s caused, while Indy bemoans the death of his father, Henry, and of his old friend, Marcus Brody. Yeah it really is a shame that both Denholm Elliot and Sean Connery are OH WAIT THAT’S RIGHT SEAN CONNERY ISN’T DEAD YET AND THEREFORE SHOULD’VE BEEN IN THIS MOVIE. Stanforth philosophizes that they’ve “reached the age where life stops giving us things and starts taking them away.” I’d find that sentiment vaguely moving if I wasn’t so pissed over the jilting of Sir Sean.

We transition to a positively spiffing 1950’s train station, complete with chuggy black steam engines and silly-looking conductors. Indy climbs aboard a train and takes his seat, all ready to give up the adventure-seeking life; he’s followed by two agent-looking men in suits. And then, from out the billowing clouds of steam, Mutt Williams (Shia Labeouf) cruises in on a motorcycle, looking like a Poor Man’s James Dean. Spielberg, buddy, listen: there’s a fine line between “homage” and “shameless rip-off,” and I think you crossed that line about three exits back. At any rate, Mutt circles around the platform till he spots Indy through a window, then calls out “Hey! Old man!” which predictably gets no response. Mutt has better luck when he yells “Professor!” (though technically that’s not accurate either), and asks Indy if he knows a Professor Oxley. When Indy says yes and asks what’s going on, Mutt’s reply is simple and to-the-point: “They’re gonna kill him!” Ah, that old chestnut.

Cut to Indy and Mutt sitting at a table in a fifties diner. And I mean REALLY fifties. Like, AGRESSIVELY fifties. I mean, this place looks more over-the-top than Pleasantville; surely the real decade was never this “gee-whiz.” Mutt talks about how Professor Oxley (“Ox” for short) became sort of a surrogate father after Mutt’s real Dad died in the war. This heartwarming backstory is accompanied by lots of self-conscious hair-combing. And then, because the screenwriter clearly has no idea how to introduce information, Mutt launches into a long, clumsy, five-minute bout of mind-numbing exposition. I suddenly understand why the diner looks so outlandish: the pretty colors give me something to look at while my brain checks out! Here’s my best summary of what gets said: Ox recently found “some kinda crystal skull” down in Peru and was planning on taking it to a city called Akator, but then he disappeared. Indy says that Akator is a mythical Mayan city made of gold, so that info won’t help him find Ox. But Mutt isn’t deterred. You see, his mother went after Ox and got kidnapped, too; Ox hid the skull somewhere, and unless it’s found and delivered, both Oxy and Mommy are dead meat. Mutt’s mother escaped long enough to give Mutt a phone call, during which she told him to find Indy and get his help. She also sent him a letter that Ox wrote, which he now hands over to Indy. Whew! Okay! Everybody understand what’s happening? No? WELL TOO BAD BECAUSE IT’S NOT GONNA GET ANY CLEARER.

But hey, luckily for you, none of that matters right now anyway: Indy’s just spotted those two agent-men in suits coming towards the table. “Who are they?” Mutt asks, nervous. Indy guesses “FBI,” until one of them says, “Cohm qvietly, Doctair Jones,” at which point he brilliantly adjusts that to “KGB.” Hearing this, our Rebel Without a Clue whips out his dinky little pocket knife, a move which does nothing except teach the heartbreaking lesson that serious grown-ups like these tend to bring guns. As Mutt and Indy are led toward the exit, Indy gets an idea and tells Mutt to punch a really preppy-looking college guy standing nearby. Mutt happily obliges, and suddenly the diner is silent and tense, with Mutt and some other leather-wearing grease-heads on one side, and the preppy kids on the other. A war-cry is howled, the uneasy truce is broken, and the diner dissolves into happy fifties gang violence, allowing Indy and Mutt to escape.

Our two heroes hop onto Mutt’s motorcycle and speed off down the college street, with two KGB cars in hot pursuit. Mutt’s cycle quickly gets sandwiched between one of the cars and a bus, and Indy somehow gets pulled INTO the car, kicks a little ass, then jumps back out onto the cycle. Mutt then gets the brilliant idea to drive THROUGH the nearby campus, in hopes of losing their pursuers. He weaves in and out of stone archways, swerving around panicked students as he goes, and suddenly I realize that I can’t really find anything wrong with this sequence; it’s fun and thrilling to watch, exactly as it should be. Finally, Mutt finds himself driving through a gaggle of students hoisting signs and banners in protest of – what else? – Communism! As a KGB car follows close on their heels, one particularly large banner reading “Better Dead Than Red” drops down onto the windshield, temporarily blinding the driver. It blows off just in time for the Russians to see what they’re about to run into: a big memorial statue of Marcus Brody. BANG! The car smashes into the statue, and Marcus’ posthumous head topples down through the windshield and into the unconscious driver’s lap. Mutt thinks it’s a hoot; Indy, not so much. The second KGB car comes roaring through the campus quad, so Mutt takes a little detour through the library. The KGB men are about to follow on foot, but then they hear police sirens approaching and instead make a strategic retreat.

Meanwhile, inside the library, students scream and throw themselves out of the path of the speeding motorcycle, except for one particularly nerdy-looking bookworm, who just screams. As a result of Death-Wish Denny, Mutt is forced to swerve violently, and the cycle falls on its side and slides to a stop, nearly taking out another student as it goes. But this second student, upon seeing Indy, decides NOW is the proper time to ask his ex-professor about “Hargrove’s normative culture model.” This boy is a terminal dork, and shall never know the touch of a woman. I shall call him Melvin. While climbing back onto the cycle, Indy tells Melvin that he should ditch his current book and find one written by an author with field experience. Um, actually, Melvin, I think you should check out the book titled “You Will Die Alone.” It might be more applicable for a guy like you. Indy and Mutt speed out the library exit, leaving behind a room full of dumbfounded students…none of whom are sexually interested in Melvin.

Back at Casa del Jones, Indy pores over Ox’s letter while Mutt combs his hair like the wretched poser that he is. Indy sees that the letter has been written in some obscure Mayan dialect, now a dead language, but he thinks he can translate it. Mutt comments that Indy’s not bad in a fight, but then immediately follows up with the question, “What are you, like, 80?” Following a compliment with an insult? My kinda guy! Indy then has a minor epiphany, declaring that the letter is a riddle. Wait, it only took him five fucking seconds to translate a dead language? Oh, whatever. “Leave it to Ox to write a riddle in a dead language!” Indy grins. Yes, and leave it to you to get inordinately excited about that fact, you sad, sad man. The riddle itself tries very hard to sound mysterious and mystical, but just comes off sounding like a narcoleptic 6^th-grader’s failed attempt at blank verse poetry. Essentially, the riddle tells them to go to Nazca, Peru, a place where giant drawings have been carved into the nearby desert floor.

Cue the mandatory Red-Line-on-a-Map sequence! Our heroes’ trail veers around the globe like a Family Circus kid before finally settling in Peru.

In the middle of a bustling Nazca marketplace, Mutt fiddles with his little knife (no, not like that, you perv) while Indy questions a local about Ox. He learns that Ox wandered into town raving like a madman a month ago, and got locked in the local sanitarium. As the two set out toward the sanitarium, I experience a horrible sinking feeling in my gonads as I realize we’re about to experience the Horrifically Boring Expository Conversation, Part Deux. Indy and Mutt talk and talk and talk some more, but this time all you really need to know is that Mutt was in and out of several schools, and learned fencing once upon a time. They arrive at the sanitarium (AKA dumpy old church/prison), and stroll in – but who’s that I see hanging out in the nearby street? None other than everybody’s favorite traitor-for-hire, Mac, tanned and looking like a cheap Peruvian gigolo.

A shriveled old nun informs Indy and Mutt that men with guns recently came and took Ox away, but lets them see his old cell anyway. It’s a space quite suitable for playing Dungeons and Dragons – provided you don’t mind playing without the Dragons. Then again, it looks like Ox made up his own game while staying here, something along the lines of the “Draw Skulls and Words on the Walls until Everyone Thinks You’re Crazy” game. Mutt gets understandably distraught at the thought of Ox-Gone-Wild, and Indy briefly rests a reassuring hand on the boy’s shoulder. Getting back to business, Indy notes that all the writing on the walls is actually just the same word, repeated in different languages: RETURN. Seems that Ox really wanted to put the skull back where he found it. A closer examination of the cell floor reveals a crude map scrawled into the ground. A map which just happens to resemble…

…A nearby cemetery, crumbling and abandoned. Because this film apparently never met a cliché it didn’t like, it is suddenly nighttime, and lighting crackles across the sky every five seconds. As Indy and Mutt creep cautiously onto the property, Mutt notices a wooden sign which cheerfully proclaims: “Grave Robbers Will Be Shot!” Indy isn’t bothered by this at all, however, joking that it’s a “good thing we aren’t grave robbers, then!” Hahaha, you should tell that one to the guards while they’re SHOOTING YOU IN THE FACE. Dumb-ass. The two continue poking around the ancient graves and mausoleums, when suddenly Mutt catches sight of someone leaping around in the shadows. “I think I just saw something!” he says anxiously. But Indy continues his descent into dumb-ass-ery and tells Mutt he’s just jumping at shadows, because heaven knows you shouldn’t listen to the guy who STILL ACTUALLY HAS PERIPHERAL VISION.

Without warning, our heroes are set upon by a crazy-haired, shrieking figure wearing a skull mask; it kicks and punches them a few times, then vanishes into the surrounding dark. An identical figure pops up on their other side and fires a blow-gun in Mutt’s direction. “Those darts are poison!” Indy yells, because Mutt obviously wouldn’t have GUESSED THAT ON HIS OWN. Indy dashes off into the dark, leaving useless Mutt to fend for himself; the boy turns and promptly finds himself staring down the barrel of a blow-gun. Things look grim, but Indy appears at the last second and puts his mouth to the other end of the blow-gun, shooting the dart into their attacker’s mouth. Nice. Also, ew. Indy uses his gun to scare away the other attacker as Mutt stares at him incredulously. “You’re a TEACHER?” he asks in confusion. “Part-time,” Indy replies. Um, actually, NO-time, you fired liar you. And without further ado, they proceed into a nearby crypt. Um, hold up. Are we not going to get an explanation for what just happened? Who the hell WAS that? Was it some syphilitic local gravedigger who happened to get his hands on a blow-gun? Was it an ancient supernatural guardian of the skull? Was it Cher? The world may never know, it seems.

Indy and Mutt journey deeper and deeper into the cemetery’s obligatory underground caverns until they seem to hit a dead end. Mutt combs his hair YET AGAIN while Indy examines the chamber walls, looking for a switchy-thing to open the inevitable secret passage (because actual dead-ends don’t exist in this universe). He finds a lever behind a scary-looking skull (not crystal), and sure enough, the “dead end” opens to reveal a secret passageway beyond. As this happens, Mutt somehow manages to get himself covered with giant black scorpions and hops around like a little bitch before finally getting stung; a premature death seems imminent, and my heart sings joyously. But Indy assures Mutt that he’ll be fine, because “when it comes to scorpions, the bigger the better.” I thought that pearl of wisdom was bullshit when I first heard it, but I looked it up and it seems to be legit; go figure.

This new passageway is filled with ancient skeletons, all of whom have oddly elongated skulls; Indy exposits that this tribe used to “bind its infants’ heads with rope to honor the Gods.” Mutt protests that “God’s head is not like that,” and I silently pray he’ll off himself to investigate first-hand. Instead, he and Indy reach yet ANOTHER “dead-end,” with yet ANOTHER secret doorway, this time a big stone see-saw you have to ride on to move forward. It looks about as dumb as it sounds. On the other side lie several heavily embalmed corpses surrounded by golden coins; archeologist jackpot! But Indy sadly doesn’t do a “Happy Archeologist” jig, content to offer more boring exposition instead: these are the bodies of Spanish explorers who went searching for Akator 500 years ago. Indy borrows Mutt’s knife and uses it to slit open one of the mummy-bags, revealing a perfectly preserved man. Unfortunately, “air doesn’t agree with him,” and the corpse crumbles to dust before their eyes.

Mutt suddenly sees that one of the other mummies has already been opened; they draw closer and discover that gold coins are being drawn magnetically toward something behind the body. Indy reaches into the shadows and produces…THE CRYSTAL SKULL. It somehow magnetizes the gold, even though neither gold nor crystal is magnetic. But wait a minute. Wait just a cotton-picking minute. We’re not even halfway through the movie yet, and the titular artifact has already been obtained? Where can the story possibly go from here? I’ve got a bad feeling about this, and it’s only made worse when I take a good look at the artifact in question and realize it looks suspiciously like an EXTRATERRSTRIAL CRANIUM. But no! I refuse to believe it! Spielberg has played around with aliens for decades already; surely he’s bored with them by now, and I’m just being paranoid, right? RIGHT? Indy surmises that these Spaniards must have stolen the skull from Akator, but then ran into trouble with the locals and blah blah blahdee blah. Look, it’s really not that interesting or relevant, so let’s skip it, shall we? Indy concludes by wondering why Ox felt the need to return to Skull to the spot where he found it; Mutt combs his hair in contemplation.

Skull in hand, our heroes climb back out into the cemetery, only to find about fifty guns pointed at their heads. I SAID you shouldn’t have joked about that wooden sign, Indy! Oh wait, it’s the Russians. Never mind. Mac waddles up like a self-satisfied walrus and grimly says, “Hello, Jonesy.” Oh, shut it, Mac. I’ve seen fucking coleslaw that’s more intimidating than you.

Time for another Red-Line-on-a-Map sequence! Wheeeee! This time, we mosey north to someplace called “Ilha Aramaca,” which means nothing to me but sounds funny when I say it aloud, so not a total loss.

It’s nighttime at a Communist Jungle Camp, and Russian soldiers are doing stereotypical Russian kick-dances around a campfire, just in case this movie didn’t strike you as racist ENOUGH. By the way, “Communist Jungle Camp” would be an awesome name for a grunge band…but that’s neither here nor there. Indy sits inside a tent roughly the size of Montana, bolted into a metal chair and surrounded by beakers and gizmos and other props which serve no discernable purpose. Mac enters and brashly claims he saved Indy’s life by convincing the Russians not to kill him. Indy’s gratitude is understandably scarce, and he promises Mac a broken nose when he gets free. Mac retorts that when they get to Akator, they’ll both be really rich. Uh, I hate to burst your fatsack, Mac, but if you’re still with the Russians when you get to Akator, you’ll both be really DEAD.

Oh hey look everybody, it’s Irina! Long time, no see. Our beloved Communatrix steps through the tent entrance and begins monologuing to Indy that the Skull represents “a new frontier of psychic warfare” because it can grant power over the minds of men. How can it do this, you ask? She says the Skull “was not made by human hands.” Oh no. Please, please, no. To prove her point, Irina strolls over to a nearby table and uncovers the body they stole from Area 51, which by the way just happens to be A FUCKING ALIEN. GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT-TO-HELL, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT LETTING THIS SCI-FI CRAP GET OUT OF HAND? WHAT DID I SAY?! I TRUSTED YOU, SPEILBERG! I TRUSTED YOU NOT TO PULL THIS SHIT ON ME! Oh, what’s the fucking use? I’m too far into this flick to turn back now. Onwards and upwards, then, I suppose!

Indy takes one look at the shriveled carcass and chuckles, secure in the false belief that his movie won’t dissolve into a shit-storm of sci-fi clichés. Irina goes on to say that the alien has a “pure crystal” skeleton, meaning that the Skull is an actual skull, not a carving at all. She believes that it was the aliens who built Akator, and so whoever returns the Skull there will receive immense power. Ok, you know what? I’m quickly growing bored with Irina, and that’s bad news for this movie. She’s fucking Cate Blanchett, and it takes an awful lot to make me bored with Cate Blanchett. I mean, seriously, the woman got an Oscar nomination for the piece of crap that was “Elizabeth: The Golden Age.” It’s virtually impossible to make her seem flat and mediocre, and yet this movie is gradually rising to the challenge. Anyway, Indy counters that it doesn’t matter WHAT the Skull is because Akator’s not real; Irina says he should ask Ox, who’s already been there.

A scraggly, bearded gentleman is dragged in from outside: it’s Ox (John Hurt), doing his best “Sirius Black in Harry Potter 3” impression. Indy tries to talk to him, but the man is clearly a few piñatas short of a fiesta: all Ox can do is babble that “through eyes at last I saw in tears,” before dancing his way back outside. Irina says that Ox is “the divining rod that will lead us to Akator,” but that he was driven mad by staring into the Skull’s eyes for too long (did he catch a glimpse of this screenplay, perchance?). They want Indy to act as Ox’s “interpreter,” but to do that, he has to look into the crystal eyes, too. The Skull is set before Indy, and Irina instructs him to “think of the truth behind these eyes.” The Skull starts to glow and whirr like an overheating iPod, Harrison Ford makes a face like he’s just lost bowel control, and I start to suspect that all this seemed much more dramatic in Spielberg’s mind. As all this is happening, Irina continues nattering on and on about how the Skull is going to chaaaaaange the vooooorld, and I officially become completely bored with her character. Sorry, Cate. Nothing personal.

Eventually, the Skull gets covered and taken away, and Indy goes limp with disappointment at how utterly fucking stupid his movie has become (though I may be projecting a little). Mac rushes up to Indy’s chair and unbolts him, concerned that the Skull has taken his mind, too; Indy offers reassurances by swiftly providing that broken nose he promised earlier. It’s a satisfying moment to be sure, but not nearly enough given how downright irritating and unsympathetic Mac’s been up to this point. In fact, now that I think of it, the only thing that could really satisfy me in terms of Mac would be a gruesome decapitation. Anyway, Indy still refuses to try communicating with Ox, so he’s dragged outside and reunited with Mutt – who’s busy complaining that they left his beloved bike at the cemetery. Um, Mutt? I think you’ve got bigger concerns right now, like, say, THE RAPIER THAT IRINA IS POINTING AT YOUR THROAT. Mutt’s a brave little delinquent, though, so instead of begging he just combs his hair and tells Indy not to give the Russians anything. And Indy, because he’s a huge dick, tells them to get on with it and kill the kid (hey, no objections here). Irina realizes she’s chosen “the wrong pressure point,” and decides she’ll have better success with another one. She turns to a nearby tent, and some soldiers drag out none other than MARION RAVENWOOD (Karen Allen), Indy’s original love interest from “Raiders.” And my audience actually DID burst into applause at this point, because Karen Allen is wonderful and always will be and not even a shitty movie is going change that.

Upon seeing Marion, Indy says, “Bwuh?” Upon seeing Indy, Marion says, “About time you showed up!” Upon seeing Marion, Mutt says, “Mom!” Upon hearing this, Indy says “Bwuh?” again. Yup, apparently Mutt forgot to mention the tiny fact that his kidnapped mother is Marion. What follows is pretty much the only good exchange of dialogue in the film, so I’ll go ahead and transcribe it:

Indy: Marion Ravenwood is…is…your MOTHER?

Marion: Oh for God’s sake, Indy, it’s not that hard!

Indy: No, I know, I mean, I just, I never thought –

Marion: That I would have a life after you left?

Indy: No, that’s not what I –

Marion: A damn good life.

Indy: Well that’s fine, I just –

Marion: A DAMN GOOD, REALLY GOOD LIFE.

Indy: Well so have I!

Marion: Oh yeah? You still leaving a trail of human wreckage, or have you retired?

Indy: Why, you looking for a date?

Marion: With anybody but you.

At this point Irina decides to break up the Hepburn/Tracy act and demands that Indy talk to Ox, or Mari-on becomes a carry-on. Sorry folks, I don’t write the jokes, I just…oh wait, I DO write the jokes. Never mind. Indy sits down with Captain Crazypants and tries to get Akator’s location from him, but all Ox will do is babble verses from Milton (perhaps in an attempt to raise the quality of the movie’s writing). But then, Indy notices that Ox has an odd little hand spasm going on, and orders Irina to bring them a pencil and paper. Sure enough, Ox immediately begins drawing little picture-symbols that tell them the way to Akator. Irina fetches a map, and together she and Indy begin deciphering the directions, while Ox just sits there and is generally useless. Indy starts getting genuinely excited by this new discovery, no doubt because he’s senile and has forgotten that he’s probably going to be SHOT in the near future. Mutt, on the other hand, has finally stopped combing his hair long enough to formulate a plan. Without warning, he decks one of the guards and overturns the map-table, smashing it into Irina and several other Russians; getaway time! I guess the other fifty soldiers are off playing ping-pong or something, since no one shoots at them while they run away. As Indy, Mutt, Marion and Ox reach the edge of the camp, Mutt throws a lantern at the ground, creating a big fire that prevents the Russians from following. Wow, not too shabby there, Mutt.

The four dash through the dark jungle as Russian shouts and flashlights linger in the distance. They come to a halt, only to realize that Indy and Marion are now sinking into some kind of “dry sand-pit” thing. Indy tries to assure Marion that it isn’t very dangerous, but suddenly the ground makes a wet gurgly noise, and they both start sinking faster than the quality of this storyline. Mutt races off to find something for them to grab on to, while Ox just sits there and is generally useless (I think I see a pattern emerging). Not one to be ignored, Indy angrily shouts at Ox to run and “get help,” an order which Ox reluctantly obeys. Um, Indy, did I miss something? Last I checked, you were in the middle of a FUCKING JUNGLE, and the only people around were Russians who want you dead. Unless Ox possesses the power of flight, I don’t see this ending well. Anyway, Indy and Marion continue sinking, and since death seems likely, Marion decides it’s time to make a little confession: Mutt is Indy’s son. Say it with me, people: NO DUH. That ain’t exactly a “Sixth Sense” twist.

Speaking of Mutt, he now comes running back with a rope-like item in hand; Marion grabs hold and is pulled out of the sand with one neat tug. Next it’s Indy’s turn, except we now see that the rope-like item is actually a HUGE FUCKING SNAKE. Indy predictably dissolves into a little-girl hissy-fit and refuses to grab on; Mutt and Marion roll their eyes, and I do the same. Indy shuts his eyes and says that maybe, if they CALL the snake a ROPE, he’ll be able to grab it. They impatiently oblige, Indy is pulled to safety, and Marion and Mutt heartlessly laugh at Indy for being such a neurotic freak. Their merriment is cut short, however, when Ox arrives with the cavalry. And by cavalry, of course, I mean Russians. Seeing this, Indy finally comes to understand that he is a FUCKING MORON.

The following morning, a Russian cavalcade of trucks and jeeps journeys through the jungle, led by a giant truck-thing designed to chop down trees to create roads as it goes. It’s truly an awesome sight, but unfortunately that’s the LAST TIME WE GET TO SEE IT IN THIS MOVIE. Meanwhile, in the back of some other truck, Mutt stares incredulously back and forth between Marion and Indy; clearly he’s just been informed of his lineage. Mutt protests that his father died in the War, but Marion explains that that was actually his step-father. Then the conversation somehow devolves into another protracted argument between Indy and Marion, until finally Colonel Boris (their guard) reads MY mind and yells, “For love of God, shut the hell up!” But the lovebirds won’t be deterred, and as they continue bickering I randomly have a chilling realization: there’s absolutely no reason for the Russians to be keeping Mutt alive. Think about it: they need Indy to interpret Ox, and they need Marion to pressure Indy. But Mutt himself has already been established as a useless bargaining chip AND a source of trouble. By all logic, he should’ve been shot and buried in that sand-pit. Unless, of course, Mutt’s actually a double-agent for the Russians, in which case I can look forward to his gruesome demise near the end of the film.

At any rate, Boris reads my mind once again and moves in to gag Marion (not like that, you sicko); Indy and Mutt use this opportunity to kick the shit out of him and engineer an escape. As they slice their bindings and un-gag Marion, she posits that Indy must have moved on with his life, too, and found other women. Indy cuts a hole in the truck’s canopy and admits that he did, but says they all had the same problem: “They weren’t you, honey.” And with that, he’s up the hole and out of sight, and Marion is beaming like a 20-year-old. Mutt stares, disturbed at how easily swayed his mother is.

A few quick punches send the truck’s driver flying off into the foliage, and Indy tells Marion they’ve got to “get Oxley, get the Skull, and get to Akator before they do!” Marion takes the wheel as Indy climbs into the back to scavenge for weapons. Mutt moves up to sit shotgun and gives his mother another odd look; he’s never seen this side of her before, it seems. “So what’s he gonna do now?” he asks tentatively. “I don’t think he plans that far ahead,” Marion replies affectionately. Indeed he doesn’t: Indy reappears wielding a small rocket-launcher and instructs them to cover their ears. BOOM. The rocket goes shooting ahead and takes out the wonderful tree-chopper truck, which in turn sends a big blade slicing through all the vehicles behind it. Irina steps out of her car, Skull in hand, and spots Indy driving towards her; she hands the prize off to a random soldier, who goes speeding off in a jeep. We proceed with a truly great chase scene through the jungle, with everybody jumping from one moving vehicle to another and the Skull constantly changing hands. At one point Indy starts beating the crap out of Mac (yay!), who suddenly reveals that he’s actually a CIA double-agent (irrelevant, because he’s still irritating). At another point, Irina runs out of bullets and is forced to have an awesome sword-fight with Mutt on the back of a moving car. It’s all going great, until suddenly Mutt gets clotheslined by a passing vine, leaving him dangling fifteen feet in the air. Next thing we know, he’s surrounded by about five-hundred cute little jungle monkeys, and I go into a diabetic coma from the sweetness overload. But then, as if things weren’t bad enough, Mutt decides to start swinging along on the monkey vines, with little monkeys by his side, and IT LOOKS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. Talk about an action-sequence buzz-kill.

Back down on the road, Indy’s car and Irina’s car are now battling it out on a cliff-side road, with Irina (currently in possession of the Skull) trying to force Indy over the edge.

Meanwhile, Mutt-zan, king of the jungle, continues swinging along with his spirited simian friends, and I continue wondering how those vines are able to support Mutt’s body weight (not to mention an extra 20 pounds of hair-grease). He spots the cliff-road up ahead and “steers” himself towards it (as if you can steer a fucking vine).

Indy’s closer to the edge than ever, and things are looking bad. Irina smiles grimly at him and says “Dos vedanya, Doctair Jones.” But then, from amidst the trees, Mutt swings in and knocks Irina out of the drivers’ seat; he’s quickly followed by his idiotic monkey pals, who screech and hostilely swarm all over Irina. Apparently these monkeys are Socialists. Mutt grabs the Skull and leaps onto Indy’s car, which speeds away victoriously. Well, that is, until it hits a log and goes careening onto a humongous pile of dirt. Irina’s car hits the same log and flies OVER Indy’s, landing on the other side of the big dirt pile. Oh, and the dirt pile in question? Is actually an ant-hill, containing THOUSANDS OF ANGRY RED ANTS THE SIZE OF COCKTAIL WEINERS.

The Anties of Doom swarm both cars and force everyone to run for safety. But as Indy and the gang head toward the nearby river, another carful of Russians bursts out of the forest, and out jumps good ol’ Colonel Boris, pissed off and looking to kick some tail. He and Indy start brawling just as Marion pulls up in another car; Mutt and Mac jump aboard, leaving Indy and Ox (who now carries the Skull) behind. Marion swerves to avoid a nearby cliff, which opens down onto the river; as she drives parallel to the edge, she catches sight of something below and smiles. Boris and Indy continue enthusiastically smacking each other in the head while Ox catches sight of something a tad more interesting: the horrible army of ants swarming towards them along the ground. Ever the cool cucumber, however, Ox simply unwraps the Skull and holds it out before himself; the Red Ant Sea parts majestically, allowing him and the two combatants to continue not being eaten. So wait, the Skull’s magnetic, telepathic, and scares off ants? Why does IT care about ants? It’s not like they’re gonna eat something made of crystal. Wait, why do I even fucking care? Forget it.

Nearby, Irina runs up onto a log to avoid the Anties of Doom, but one of her fellow soldiers isn’t so lucky: the ants swarm him hungrily, pulling him to the ground in a shrieking mass. It’s creepy and nasty and just generally NOT COOL. As the tide of ants continues rising, Irina is forced to climb up a big vine, conveniently located right above her head.

Indy and Boris keep on punching and kicking and rolling about within their red-ant wrestling-ring; it’s nothing we haven’t all seen before, sadly, and Indy still appears incapable of actually shedding blood.

Meanwhile, the ants below Irina are building a little tower out of themselves, slowly inching upwards toward her severe Communist thighs. Are these ants members of the local cheerleading league or something? Do they do back-flips and “spirit-fingers,” too?

Indy and Boris punch at each other SOME MORE, until Boris finally drops onto the ground outside the “ring” and is immediately swarmed by the Anties of Doom. He screams loudly, but for some reason he crosses his eyes while doing it, making what should be a moment of horror just look goofy. Indy and Irina watch as Boris’ struggling body is inexorably dragged back to the anthill and down into the gaping hole of death (I’ll refrain from making a Liza Minnelli reference here). Marion finally circles back and picks up Indy and Ox, while Irina hops aboard a passing Russian vehicle. Reunited at last, Indy attempts to take the wheel from Marion, but his lovely lady already has a brilliant plan: DRIVE STRAIGHT OFF THE CLIFF. I couldn’t make this shit up. She literally drives them straight off the edge of the cliff, and we finally see what Marion was smiling about: the car lands in a big tree that’s growing out of the cliff-side. The tree bends downwards under the weight of the car and neatly deposits them in the river below, a feat which looks about as realistic as something out of a fucking Road-Runner cartoon. “Don’t EVER do that again,” Indy says angrily, because only HE is allowed to defy the laws of physics.

As the car drifts lazily down the river, Ox suddenly speaks up: “Three times it drops,” he intones. Everyone stares at him stupidly until they realize he’s referring to the WATERFALL TEN FEET IN FRONT OF THEM. “Put it in reverse!” shouts Indy, who apparently is too thick to appreciate the difference between driving on land and floating in water. Everyone screams, and then down they go – landing hard but resurfacing in one piece, because Indy’s invincibility force-field is big enough to protect an entire car, it seems. “Three times it drops,” Ox reiterates, and everyone FINALLY realizes that he means there are two more waterfalls coming up. The second one is even bigger, but once again, everyone is uninjured by the impact. And waterfall number three? LOOKS LIKE FUCKING NIAGARA FALLS. This time everybody goes flying out of the car, and their brains are dashed out on the rocks below. THE END.

Oh fine, whatever: all five of them are inexplicably unhurt, climbing to shore with not so much as a twisted ankle between them. Ox actually appears to have had fun, and Marion is still clutching the car’s detached steering wheel and giggling hysterically. “Through eyes at last I saw in tears,” Ox recites once more, and points to a small waterfall nearby: the stone is shaped like a face, with water streaming from the “eyes.” The entrance to Akator must be through the fall, so Indy takes the Skull from Ox and says he’ll return it himself. “Why you?” Marion asks. “Because it told me to,” Indy admits. Really now, Indy! If the Skull told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it? Oh, wait; you probably would, because you CAN’T BE HARMED IN ANY WAY.

Indy and the gang hike into the cave behind the waterfall and discover tons of ancient paintings along the walls, depicting a tribe of “sun-worshippers.” But the deeper they go, the more the paintings change: it seems that someone came along and taught the tribe about agriculture and irrigation. Finally, Ox comes upon a painting of a God-Like figure – a figure who just happens to look like a Crystal-Skeletoned Bullshit Alien, his elongated head matching the Skull exactly. It’s really a cutely-done scene. Too bad I liked it better the FIRST time I saw it, fifteen years ago, when it was called “Stargate.” As the group journeys deeper inside, they start passing skull-shaped stone seals on the walls. Behind them, the seals crumble, and out climb tons of Mayan-looking warriors in full battle paint. Um, who the hell are these guys? Are we just supposed to assume they’re undead or something? Because if not, I hope they had some cheese and crackers in those walls to keep them from getting hungry while waiting for intruders.

Indy and company catch sight of an exit up ahead, then notice the Spook Squad on their tails. They make a run for it, out the exit and down a lot of stone steps into a hidden valley (though not the one that makes ranch dressing, I assume). There’s a huge Mayan pyramid in the center of the valley, but Indy and the gang don’t quite make it; the Spook Squad throw those “two rocks on a rope” dealies that wrap around your legs, quickly immobilizing everyone. “Ox, you were here before, how did you get past them?” Indy asks as the warriors close in. Uh, how do you THINK, dumb-ass? Ox proudly hoists the Skull over his head, and the Squad backs off nervously, allowing Indy and his friends safe passage to the pyramid.

Meanwhile, back outside the waterfall, a little red tracking device blinks red on the ground, and Irina bends down to pick it up. Uh oh! Looks like Mutt’s betrayed Indy so he can have Mommy all to himself. ALL. TO. HIM. SELF.

At the top of the pyramid, Mac bemoans the definitive lack of gold in the area, convinced Akator was just a stupid legend after all. I, meanwhile, am still bemoaning how irritating Mac is, despite his transition to “good guy” status. But Indy’s confident that Ox used his time in the asylum to work out the entrance key. Sure enough, Ox steps towards a stone obelisk at the top of the pyramid and tugs on one of the many stone faces carved into it. A trickle of sand emerges from behind the face, and Indy realizes that all the little stone faces have to be removed. He picks up a rock and smashes off the face, and a torrent of sand starts pouring from the fresh-made hole. Everybody grabs a stone and starts smacking away at the faces like a big multiplayer game of Mayan Whack-a-Mole, until sand is gushing from the obelisk in rivers. This pouring sand somehow activates an ancient mechanism, causing the whole top of the pyramid to suddenly open like a trap door. Indy and the gang drop through the hole and fall to their deaths, THE END. All right, all right, I’ll stop it. They land on a big stone spiral staircase, which leads down into a well-like cavern below.

But then, for absolutely no fucking reason, the stone steps begin to retract back into the walls, and Indy and the gang realize the floor below is randomly littered with giant stone spikes and impaled corpses. I mean, come on: if you know how to enter the city, THEN you die? That’s like having a car alarm that goes off AFTER you’ve turned the key in the ignition. Oh, forget it. Much running and yelling follow, with everyone almost making it to the bottom, but not quite; instead, they all plummet about ten feet into a shallow pool of water, missing the spikes entirely. Mutt sees that Ox has dropped the skull somewhere in the water and begins splashing around, searching. Indy and Marion rush into each others’ arms lovingly, and a kiss seems imminent, but suddenly Mutt pops up between them. “Hold this,” he says, shoving an ancient breastplate at Indy. Apparently the Skull was caught on it or something. By the way, Mutt, did you know that 1957 marks the 60-year anniversary of Freud’s “Oedipus Complex” theory? Why do I ask? Oh, no reason…

Indy and the gang wade over to a tunnel entrance at the side of the chamber, and one by one they head inside. Mac brings up the rear – and drops another little tracking device on the ground behind him. Whoops, looks like Mac’s the traitor after all (though I still prefer my Freudian alternative).

Outside the pyramid, gunshots ring out as Irina and her soldiers calmly massacre the Spook Squad. So wait: bullets can kill those guys? So they’re NOT undead? Then what the hell were they doing sealed up inside the walls of a cave? Just hanging out and knitting? Fuck it, I give up. Irina reaches the steps of the pyramid and finds another little tracker.

Back inside, the Indy Gang come upon a chamber brimming with every imaginable artifact from every period of early history; looks like these aliens were archeological collectors, too. Mac sees nothing but potential money, while Indy just stands there having a “warm fuzzies” moment. I notice that Mutt’s hair has somehow become perfect again, leading me to question why it’s so important that he comb it all the time. At the other end of the chamber, Ox finds an enormous golden door with a Skull-shaped groove in it. Gee, I wonder what THAT’S for. Meanwhile, Mac is busy slipping various golden necklaces over his head. Ooo! OOOO! The Skull magnetizes gold, right?! So that means Mac’s gonna end up getting his head chopped off by some big magnetic pull, right?! A gruesome Mac-decapitation might be JUST enough to redeem this stupid movie for me.

Anyway, Indy takes the Skull from Ox and presses it into the groove; the door buzzes electronically and slowly opens. Inside, they find a circular chamber made entire of ancient gold, with thirteen intricate golden thrones spread around the perimeter. And on those thrones (as if to taunt me) sit thirteen identical crystal alien skeletons – except that one of them is missing its head. “No more forever waiting,” Ox whispers, taking out the Skull, “Soon now.” I couldn’t agree with you more, Ox. Let’s get this over with. Unfortunately, Mac has other ideas: he points his gun at Indy’s head and says, “Sorry, Jonesy.” “So what are you – a TRIPLE agent?” Indy asks in exasperation. “Nah,” says Mac, “I just lied about being a double.” Hahaha, please die already.

Cue Irina: she steps into the chamber with eyes wide and mouth open. “LOOK at them,” she breathes, consumed by equal parts wonder and greed, “Still waiting.” Yeah, just like me. GET ON WITH IT. Based on nothing in particular, Irina concludes that the aliens must be a hive-mind, “physically separate, but with a collective consciousness!” She takes the Skull from Ox and steps up to the incomplete skeleton; Indy and the gang quietly back away. Irina extends the Crystal Skull toward the Crystal Neck (not quite as catchy) and it suddenly leaps from her hands back into its rightful place. The skeleton shifts slightly in its throne, and suddenly Ox begins babbling in ancient Mayan; the Skull is speaking through him. Indy translates: “It says it’s grateful…and it wants to give us a gift. A big gift.” The alien is going to end the movie early? Oh wait, I guess the big gift isn’t for ME.

Irina knows exactly what she wants: “Tell me everything you know,” she says, “I want to know EVERYTHING. I WANT TO KNOW.” No sooner has she said this than the skeleton turns its head toward her and begins glowing and making those same angry-iPod whirring noises. All the other skeletons quickly join in, and suddenly the chamber starts the rumble and crack at the seams. Light begins streaming into the chamber, and Mac makes a run for it.

Back in the archeological chamber, Mac begins desperately gathering a few more golden necklaces like the money-grubbing rat he is, and I relish the thought of his impending headlessness.

Meanwhile, in the throne room, huge chunks of gold and stone are now crumbling away from the surrounding room’s walls and floor, the usual Indiana Jones shorthand for “time to leave.” But before Indy and the gang can make their exit, the chamber walls crumble away completely to reveal that they’re not really inside a temple at all.

They’re inside a motherfucking spaceship.

That’s right. A spaceship. A straight-up, made of metal, full of glittering Christmas lights whirligig SPACESHIP that’s powering up for lift-off. I WISH I WAS FUCKING KIDDING. “What are they, space-men?!” Mutt yells dazedly. “Inter-dimensional beings, in point of fact,” says a suddenly lucid Ox. Aw, the nice aliens returned Ox’s mind. Welcome back! Oh, and while you’re at it, SHUT UP. If you guys are going to have space aliens in the movie, at least have the balls to ADMIT that they’re fucking space aliens. The ceiling crumbles away to reveal a brightly shining spinny thing, which Ox describes as “a pathway to another dimension!” “Don’t think we wanna go that way,” says Indy, and he and the gang make their exit. Irina remains, saying the phrase “I want to know,” over and over like a mantra.

In the archeological chamber, The Indy clan and Ox head for the exit, but Indy sees that Mac is still busy hoarding gold. “Mac, c’mon!” Indy calls, not willing to abandon this annoying excuse for a character. But Mac’s not listening anyway, and the chamber begins to shake and crumble.

The throne room is now completely alien-ified, spinning rapidly with Irina standing in the very center; streams of glowing light flow into her eyes, and she ecstatically begins saying, “I can SEE! I CAN SEE!” Um, yes, we can see that.

The archeological chamber starts flying apart and getting sucked backward into the throne room. Indy tosses the end of his whip to Mac, who grabs hold but doesn’t really move. “Use your legs, Mac, I can’t do it alone!” Indy calls desperately. But instead of using his traitorous legs, Mac smilingly looks up into Indy’s eyes and whispers, “Jonesy. I’m gonna be all right.” Um…the fuck? I’m not sure if that line’s supposed to be endearing or ironic or something, but really at this point it’s just confusing and dumb, making me even more eager for this guy to push off.

In the throne room, the revolving alien skeletons suddenly begin compiling and blending together into a single skeleton. Flesh floods back onto the bones, and the thing becomes A REAL LIVE ALIEN. Well, actually it’s a lame CGI muppet that looks like the idiot love-child of Barry Manilow and that alien from “Signs.”

Back in the location formerly known as “archeological chamber,” Mac lets go of Indy’s whip and goes flying off into the swirling mass of gold and rubble WITH HIS HEAD FULLY ATTACHED. Dammit, Spielberg, would it have killed you to give me the awesome gold-necklace decapitation I so hungered for? Indy and the others rush off through the exit.

In the throne room, the alien creature draws close to Irina’s face and narrows his eyes in menacing disapproval, because even aliens recognize a shitty Russian accent when they hear it. Irina shrieks and claws her face as her eyes begin shooting blue and yellow flames, because it is a known fact that no Indiana Jones villain ever finishes a movie with their eyeballs intact. She then evaporates in a flash of golden powder, proving that too much knowledge not only will kill you, but will kill you in a totally clichéd and boring fashion.

The Indy clan and Ox run up some giant stone staircase we’ve never seen before, as water pours in and big stone gear-things smash away the stairs behind them. Where is this place, and why is that water-gear shit happening, you ask? I could try to figure it out, but that would probably require more than the two remaining brain cells I’m actually devoting to this recap. Anyway, the four of them run down a stone hallway and reach a dead end – quite possibly the ONLY actual dead end in the history of Indiana Jones. They look upward and see that a chimney-like hole extends all the way to the surface, but there’s no way to climb it. Lucky for them, a big tidal wave of water gushes down the hallway after them and fills up the chimney, allowing our heroes to rise all the way up to daylight.

They wash up on some high-up hillside with a perfect view of the valley. From there, they watch as the entire valley, pyramid and all, collapses in on itself, revealing a gigantic silver flying saucer, straight out of “Earth vs. the Flying Saucers” – only bigger. As it slowly ascends, huge chunks of earth and debris levitate and spin around it, until, with a blinding flash, the ship vanishes. The mounds of earth plummet back down and the surrounding river floods into the valley, burying everything under a brand new lake. “Where did they go?” Indy asks, “Into space?” “Not space,” replies Ox, “Into the Space between Spaces.” Ox, buddy, they were FUCKING SPACE ALIENS, ok? Which means they went to SPACE, ok? Give it up already. Mutt wonders aloud why there were legends of a golden city, and Indy notes that the Mayan word for “gold” literally just means “treasure.” “But their treasure wasn’t gold,” Indy beams, “it was knowledge. KNOWLEDGE was their treasure.” Um, Indy, if I wanna hear shit like that, I’ll go watch an episode of “Reading Rainbow,” ok?

Mutt wants to climb back down the mountain right now, but Indy says it’ll soon be too dark. Mutt starts to head down anyway, prompting Indy to call: “Why don’t you stick around, Junior?” Mutt turns around. “I dunno,” he retorts, “Why didn’t YOU, Dad?” Damn, Junior, that’s actually kinda harsh. Indy just smiles, however, and Ox does the whole “Indy’s your Dad?!” double-take. Indy gazes up at the sky and says, “Somewhere, your Grandpa is laughing.” Yeah, he’s probably off watching a better movie.

Back at Marshall College, Stanforth jogs briskly down a hallway, clearly in a hurry. He passes a door on which a letterer is painting: PROFESSOR HENRY JONES JR., ASSOCIATE DEAN. Looks like that whole FBI investigation thing ran its course, huh? Stanforth stops to glance at the door, and then tells the letterer (who is currently painting the final letter) to “make the letters bigger, much bigger!” Stan, I understand that you’re proud of Indy and all, but that’s still sort of a dick-ish thing to do. Stanforth then enters his office and pulls out what appears to be an antique Bible.

Cut to a priest reading Indy and Marion their wedding vows, and…oh dear God. Are we suddenly in “Forrest Gump” or something? This scene is unnaturally sweet and cheery in appearance; everyone is wearing light, happy pastel colors (including Mutt!), and there are flowers everywhere. It’s bright and shiny and about twenty times more disturbing than that “nuclear household” we saw earlier. Ox, finally de-homeless-ified but just as irritating, sits among the spectators next to Stanforth. He leans over and whispers the stupid pseudo-deep thought: “how much of human life is lost in waiting?” Shut up, Ox. I think I liked you better when you were just a run-of-the-mill village idiot. Mutt stands off to the side of the happy couple, looking just as annoyed and freaked out by this whole scenario as me.

The priest declares Indy and Marion man and wife, and Marion pretty much jumps Indy then and there. We get yet another shot of Mutt looking oddly at his mother, convincing me once and for all that my Freudian instincts were correct. The now-married couple step down from the altar and are swarmed by happy well-wishers; Mutt takes this opportunity to make an escape. But then, as he makes a B-line for the exit, the chapel doors fling open, and for a split second I’m terrified that another fucking alien is about to stride in and say he objects to this union or something. As it turns out, mercifully, it’s only the wind, blowing Indy’s fedora off the hatstand and into Mutt’s hands. As Mutt raises the hat slowly to his head, the Williams strings of impending Indy-ness begin to rise on the soundtrack, and MY eyes burst into flames at the thought of a “Mutt Williams and the Hair-Comb of Doom” sequel. Luckily, the real Indy snatches the hat out of Mutt’s hands as he and Marion walk past, thereby delaying the inevitable bastardization of the series for at least another few years. Credits roll, and thus one of the greatest adventure series in the history of cinema ends on a down note, amid a maelstrom of shiny pastel-colored crap.

FINAL THOUGHT: Aliens. Why did it have to be aliens? God DAMMIT, Spielberg.